


So In Love with the Wrong World

by melliejellie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A happy ending is possible if you stop after ch 5, ANGST TIME!, Angst, But who wants that?, Childhood Friends, Death, Friends to Lovers, Light Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Short Chapters, Suicidal Thoughts, krtskangstweek, obviously, orphan!Kuroo, prompts, regency au, wealthy!Tsukishima
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-07-29 13:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16264721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliejellie/pseuds/melliejellie
Summary: On the Tsukishima Estate, Kei and Tetsurou grow up together. Life brings them together. Life breaks them apart. Love reunites them. Love binds them.Welcome to Kurotsukki Angst Week.(And if, like me, you sometimes crave a happy ending, you can bow out after Ch 5 and be *just* fine. Otherwise... welcome to my bittersweet Regency Era AU.)





	1. Day 1: Break Up

Tetsurou never thought he could be so lucky. 

Starving and nearly ready to willingly walk through death’s door, fate had spared him as a child and brought him the benevolent owner of the Tsukishima estate. Plucked off the streets, he was thrust into a world wonderfully filled with safety, food, and family. 

And Kei. 

At first, the younger boy had regarded him with surly distrust. Whether he was scowling across the table or sneering over the tops of books, for the first few months, Kei had done nothing but observe him with a judging gaze. 

Undeterred and determined to find welcome in this family beyond Kei’s father, Tetsurou did his best to break down the other boy’s walls. 

Tetsurou would always ask him to play, only to have a door closed in his face. He would ask Kei about the book he was reading, only to be met with a sigh, followed by Kei getting up to read in a different room. 

One day Tetsurou returned from a romp around the grounds with a small lizard captured in a glass jar. Tetsurou had guided it inside, careful not to hurt it, and he’d poked so many holes in the top so it could breathe he was worried it was going to escape. Running into the study, he’d held it out excitedly right next to Kei’s face. 

The other boy had turned, apparently ready for the same sigh and eye roll, but instead his eyes caught on the creature inside and the corners of his lips upturned.

“Where did you find this?” Kei asked, an unmistakable sparkle of curiosity in his eye. 

“Over by the brook near where the forest begins!” Tetsurou replied, elated that Kei was speaking to him. 

Kei reached out and Tetsurou handed over the glass jar gently. Sounding like an encyclopedia, Kei rattled off facts about the lizard inside. Tetsurou learned that it was an invasive species, accidentally brought over in tea boxes from India and had flourished in the countryside, but was still relatively difficult to find and -- then he said a lot of other things that Tetsurou couldn’t hear because his heart was beating so hard in his ears.

Kei had the most beautiful smile in the entire world. 

After that remarkable afternoon, Kei’s heart began to crack open. He was still as sarcastic and biting as ever, but his gaze was softer now. Tetsurou would take him to the brook at the edge of the forest line to search for more lizards or catch bugs to look up in Kei’s stacks of books. 

Tetsurou would have been eternally content to just study alongside Kei forever, but one summer morning, on yet another walk, Kei pretended to slip towards the brook so Tetsurou would reach out to catch him. 

At the last moment, Kei spun and tipped Tetsurou into the brook instead, doubling over with laughter when Tetsurou landed bottom-first into the muck. Tetsurou quickly grasped Kei’s arm and dragged him into the brook, too, where the sounds of their cackling laughter surely scared away any birds within ten miles of the place. 

Though young with so much of the world unknown to him, Tetsurou was certain he could never love anyone as much as he loved Tsukishima Kei.

 

***

 

In the years that passed, Tetsurou’s adoration only grew stronger, especially once the Kei’s father and older brother were taken by an illness when Kei and Tetsurou were teenagers. 

Tetsurou hoped Kei found solace in their talks, their walks, and embraces that lasted longer than perhaps they should have. From the way that Kei’s hand would find his under the table at dinner, he thought perhaps it did. 

But things couldn’t last that way forever.

Though they were raised in the same household, their lives were very different. Tetsurou was alone in this world with no obligations or expectations to meet. Kei, on the other hand, was shouldered with the immense responsibility of maintaining the Tsukishima estate from a young age. His mother helped him, but even Tetsurou could tell that the pressure of the position was meant only for Kei. 

He helped in the ways that he could. When he found Kei slumped over his desk, reams of accounting pages under his sleepy head, Tetsurou would tip toe in and place a blanket over his shoulders. 

Over morning tea, Tetsurou would discuss the book Kei was reading, delighting in the way Kei’s tired eyes would light up over the chance to talk about something more interesting than farmer’s wages. 

At night, he would walk Kei to his room to wish him a good night’s rest, and his heart would stop every single time Kei reached out to take Tetsurou’s fingers in his own, twisting them together before meeting his gaze and wishing him a good night, as well. 

Tetsurou wanted more. 

He dreamed of following Kei into his room and caressing the soft skin on his face, running his fingers through his hair. Every night, Tetsurou would lie awake in bed, pleasurably tormented by the idea of slowly unbuttoning Kei’s shirt, slipping the fabric from his slim shoulders, massaging his hands into every inch of exposed skin and kissing Kei with all of his built up passion until Kei asked for more and Tetsurou would readily give in to all of his demands. 

In the morning, Tetsurou would wake and leap from his bed to make Kei’s tea the way he liked it, even though the kitchen staff could have, and probably should have, done it for him. 

One morning, Kei shuffled into the room where they took their breakfast together looking more ragged than usual. Tetsurou’s heart sank. He so wanted to be the one to restore Kei’s spirit every day, every night. 

“Trouble sleeping again?” Tetsurou asked as he stirred milk into his own tea. 

Kei nodded sleepily, taking a sip from his own teacup and sighing as the warm liquid ran down his throat. Tetsurou watched as Kei’s normal look of contentment during their morning moments abruptly shifted. Kei’s eyes bolted wide open. He sucked in a breath and set the teacup down with a clatter. 

“Everything alright?”

“Yes, fine.” Kei responded, his eyes trapped in a thousand yard stare. 

Tetsurou bit his bottom lip as Kei’s face contorted. No longer was it the one reserved for Tetsurou. Instead, Kei wore the one he painted on for the rest of the world. 

“Wonderful, actually. You see, I’ve been meaning to tell you that mother has arranged a most attractive match for me with a young woman in the city. Tomorrow I’ll go to stay at our city residence to meet with her and prepare her for life out here in the country.” He added the last bit with a laugh, but no mirth reached his eyes. 

Tetsurou’s skin grew cold, his heart suddenly a rock lying lifelessly in his chest. “So soon.”

“Well, mother only informed me a few days ago and it must have slipped my mind.” Kei stiffly turned, his eyes finally finding Tetsurou’s. Neither breathed, neither moved. Kei’s eyes told the rest of the story that Tetsurou cruelly swallowed. 

He should have known the truth from the beginning.

Kei was never meant to be his.


	2. Day 2: Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei's POV
> 
> Kei's life is not his own to live. He has no room for choices.

Kei never thought he could be so lucky. 

Tetsurou had barreled into his life, unwelcome and unwanted at first, but his persistent charm slowly made Kei realize the world wasn’t always the lonely place he had come to think it was. With his energy, his laugh, and his alarming level of openness, Tetsurou was everything Kei never knew he needed, and everything he knew he now couldn’t live without. 

Even if there was only one person in the whole world who understood him, Kei thought that could be enough. 

Kei looked forward to their daily walks along the grounds more than anything else. Every morning they would study with separate tutors, Kei learning everything he needed to be a learned man of means who could one day help run the estate, and Tetsurou learning - Kei had no idea what was Tetsurou was learning. Nor did it matter.

The moment Kei shut his books in the early afternoon, he would cooly saunter towards the front of the house where Tetsurou always waited for him. He would take his time, trying not to appear too eager, but inside his heart was racing, aching for his feet to just take off and run towards the only person who made Kei feel like smiling. 

And when Kei’s father and older brother fell ill and passed away, it was still only Tetsurou who could bring any light to his grim days. 

One evening before dinner, they found themselves on the banks of the brook where they’d played as children. Kei sat in the mud, not caring that his clothes were getting ruined. He could barely feel the cold ground sinking in to his skin. He could barely feel much of anything anymore. 

Tetsurou settled in beside him, saying nothing. Together they listened to the sound of the water trickling past them. Kei could feel the gentle, repetitive sound pulling him farther and farther away from this world that he often wondered if he wanted to bother being a part of any longer. 

Lost in his morbid trance, he didn’t notice Tetsurou moving until he felt his hand on top of his own, Tetsurou’s lithe fingers stretching between his. 

Startled, Kei inhaled sharply, his neck snapping to the side. Tetsurou pulled back his hand as he looked at Kei, his smile twisting into a worried frown. 

Still dazed, Kei chased the feeling that had tethered him to the world once again. He reached out and took Tetsurou’s hand in his own. The grit and mud from the ground mixed between their palms, but it was still the softest touch Kei had ever felt. 

Kei watched as Tetsurou’s face regained its comforting smile and he felt a light inside him that had grown so cold and dim start to burn a little brighter when he gently traced circles with his thumb along Kuroo’s soft skin. 

He knew Tetsurou was hurting, too, for the boy had loved Kei’s father as much as, if not more than, Kei had. After all, his father had saved him from a most gruesome fate. But that night, as Kei lie in bed remembering how warm Tetsurou’s hand had felt as their fingers laced together on the walk back to the estate, he selfishly concluded that he had, in fact, been the one who was saved. 

 

***

 

Kei quickly realized, though, that things are never quite as easy as holding a boy’s hand as his naked feet picked up grass and dirt, their shoes long since forgotten in favor of feeling something real between their toes. 

Her name was Yachi. She was the same age as Kei and was supposedly just as hard-working and clever as he was, but boundlessly more bright and cordial. She, herself, was in possession of a large inheritance, but without her father, she and her mother had single-handedly ran the family’s profitable business until society’s pressures made it unsustainably difficult for the two women to continue on as they had. 

Fortuitously, once they married, Kei would be the sole owner of both his father’s estate and Yachi’s family business. He would ensure that his mother could live out the rest of her days in the countryside, well taken care of, and he would save Yachi’s family from the vultures currently threatening to dismantle everything they’d worked for. 

The correct choice had never been simpler to see. 

Yet on the morning of his departure, instead of feeling nervous excitement over meeting this woman, of inheriting this fortune, Kei felt nothing but dread. 

On his bed sat two empty suitcases. He couldn’t bring himself to put anything inside either of them. He stared at them both, willing himself to just get it over with, or fall to his knees and sob, anything but just stand there.

He jumped at a knock on his door. 

Kei cleared his throat to find his voice. “Come in.” 

Tetsurou slipped through a crack in his door, gently shutting it behind him. He was carefully dressed, just as Kei was, but his hair was a mess and his face looked as though he’d barely survived a sleepless night. 

Wordlessly, Tetsurou walked towards him. Kei’s heart pounded in his chest as he took in the closed door, the sight of Tetsurou in his bedroom, and the rush of feeling blood pump through his veins, warm and alive for the first time since he had first heard his mother’s plans for him. 

When Tetsurou’s arms wrapped around his middle and he rested his head on Kei’s shoulder, Kei melted into the embrace. They’d held each other like this countless times before, but this time it was different. An air of finality hung around them as Kei tried to hold on to the sensation of Tetsurou’s body pressed against him, his arms gently pulling him in closer as Kei returned the embrace. 

Tetsurou pulled back, just enough for his face to stop in front of Kei’s. 

Kei swallowed hard, unable to look at anything besides Tetsurou’s lips. If he leaned forward, only just a little he could -- 

“Don’t go.” Kei watched the whispered words leave Tetsurou’s mouth, punctuated by a stifled sob. 

Their eyes found each other’s as Tetsurou’s hands slid up Kei’s arms and came to rest on both sides of Kei’s face, cradling Kei in the comfort and warmth he sought every morning when he woke up and found every morning when he ate breakfast and drank his tea with Tetsurou across from him. 

Trembling, Kei took Tetsurou’s hands in his and removed them from his face. He took a step back and held Tetsurou’s hands between them. Kei squeezed them hard, finding strength to say words he never wanted to say.

“My carriage leaves soon. I need to be ready. I have to go.”

Tetsurou was never meant to be his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I'll be here all week. *sad pun trombone plays*


	3. Day 3: Amnesia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tetsurou's POV
> 
> Tetsurou leaves with no plans to return, but the estate, and Kei, call him back home.

Unwilling, unable to handle the idea of someone else living in the estate and being the center of Kei’s attention, Tetsurou left the same day Kei left for the city. 

He told Kei’s mother he was leaving to further his studies and though she had never been as openly warm to him as Kei’s father, she embraced him and wished him well. Politely, he checked in with the staff to make sure Kei’s mother would be alright with neither him nor Kei in the home. Then he packed a few choice belongings and set off. 

When he walked out of the grand front entrance, he had every intention of never returning to this place. 

Tetsurou had no plans, but he had a winning grin, even if it was currently falsely carved into his features like a shield, and a mix of upper class clothes and those worn by the farmhands he occasionally helped packed in the suitcase at his side. He would make it somewhere. 

And he did. 

A year passed. Then two. Then three. Then more, until seeing Kei and the estate in his dreams every night felt less like recalling a memory and more like fragments of an overactive imagination.

Tetsurou’s travels took him throughout the world’s empires. He dined in France and worked in rice fields in the Qing Empire. He’d worked on a ship on its way to New Holland and survived a frigid but comfortable winter in the homes of artists and writers in the Russian Empire. 

He made money. He lost it. He made friends. He moved on. Comfort and permanence had been ripped away from him and he had no reason to seek it now. Adventure was a salve for a wound that would never heal, but Tetsurou would take on risk after risk, journey after journey, to forget it. 

His only tie was to Kei’s mother. Once or twice a year he’d write her a letter, forever indebted to her and her husband’s kindness for raising a orphan as one of their own. He would tell her that he was safe and would send her trinkets from his travels. He rarely included a return address because he was never in one place for long enough to have one. 

But one day a letter reached him. He had taken up residency in a Spanish University, successfully living the lie of a visiting Russian-language scholar, when he received word of Kei’s mother’s precarious health. She wasn’t at death’s door, but Tetsurou wasn’t going to wait for that to happen. 

He booked passage on a series of trains and ships to take him back to the home he once had. 

 

***

 

Standing outside, the same, now-tattered suitcase in his hand, he wished he had written ahead. It was early evening and, because everything always ran like clockwork, he knew that dinner would be served in an hour or so. Kei and his family would be settling in to another routine evening, the warmth of a family staving off the winter cold. 

He had no right to interrupt any of that. 

Still, his feet pulled him forward and he rapped on the door with shivering hands. When they opened, the same butler of his youth greeted him. “Good evening, sir. We would welcome you, but the man of the house has just -- Master Tetsurou, is that you?”

Tetsurou watched as the man’s face lit up from the inside, his professional features falling away to return to the man who used to sneak him leftover desserts if there were any. He cleared his throat to maintain his composure, but Tetsurou noted with amusement that it was difficult for the other man. “Welcome home, sir. Right this way.”

Once inside, Tetsurou saw a few more familiar faces, but many, many more new ones. The interior looked more or less the same, but it was clear it had changed with time. There was different art on some walls, the rugs had been changed. But those were all cosmetic changes. The real change was that this no longer felt like his home. Neither did his university residence. Tetsurou didn’t have a home. He hadn’t in quite some time. 

“Let me get Master Tsukishima, and his mother will be so pleased to find you well.” The Butler offered, rousing Tetsurou from his thoughts. 

“No, no, far from necessary. Surely they are about ready to take their dinner. I have already eaten and can wait in another room or wait until morning.” His heartbeat quickened as regret settled into his bones. 

He didn’t belong here anymore. 

“Nonsense. Though you’ve been gone, you’ve never left our hearts, Master Tetsurou. If there’s room in your stomach, I’m sure they’ll be delighted to dine with you this evening.”

And so, Tetsurou waited in the library where the memories from his dreams came rushing back, stealing the breath from his lungs. The chair where Kei had been sitting the day he brought him the lizard was still in the same place. Tetsurou could swear he heard their voices ringing through the room. He blinked hard, fighting the release of emotion he had stowed away for so long. 

“Oh, excuse me. I didn’t know anyone was in here.” A man’s voice behind him caused Tetsurou to regain his composure and spin on his heels.

Kei - a handful of years older, but no less himself, and somehow more dashing than he had been - stood in the doorway. Tetsurou found himself with no words, let alone breath to voice them. 

“I apologize. Did I have a meeting I forgot about? You’ll have to pardon me. My family and I are about to sit for dinner. Perhaps we can reschedule for the morning.”

If Kei recognized him, he was hiding it. His mouth was a thin, straight line and his unblinking eyes stared at Tetsurou from across the room. 

“Kei, I --”

“I’ll see to it that you have a place to stay for the evening. Excuse my rudeness, but I must get back to my family at this hour.”

He left as quickly as he entered with nothing more said between them. 

Tetsurou dropped to his knees, landing hard on the well-worn rug. His bones dug into the floor but he couldn’t care. 

He shouldn’t have come. Nothing could possibly be worth these wounds being ripped open again.

Once he pieced himself back together, Tetsurou walked out of the house without his coat or anything else he brought and walked in frigid temperatures into town where he found lodging in the upstairs of a pub. In the morning, he would pay a visit to Kei’s mother, the closest thing he still had to a parent left in this world, and he would be gone again.

He could stand Kei not loving him back with the same ferocity with which he loved Kei, but he couldn’t bear the weight of knowing for certain whether or not Kei cared nothing for him at all anymore.

Being forgotten would mean he left no lasting mark upon Kei’s heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was tough to work into the plot but still meet the letter of the prompt. 
> 
> I just keep picturing them in the rooms from Jane Austen film adaptations. I hope you are doing that, too.
> 
> Thank you for still reading! You are awesome!


	4. Day 4: Unrequited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei's POV
> 
> Kei tries, then falls apart.

Calmly, Kei shut the library door behind him. Once he was sure it was closed, his composure began to crumble. He tore down the hallway to his private study and locked himself in. 

Tetsurou had returned.

And Kei had pretended not to know who he was.

He had known instantly, though, the knowledge crushing him like a vice. Only years of shutting himself off from everyone else kept him afloat, able to navigate the interaction with the calculated tone he’d so carefully crafted all this time. 

Kei’s body heaved with silent sobs as he fell against the wall and slumped down to the floor. 

Tetsurou had grown older, the world had worn him a bit more rugged and alluring, but Kei knew exactly who he was the moment he laid eyes on him. Everything he felt for the other man came rushing back and Kei could no longer hold back the dam of emotion he’d kept locked behind so many walls in his memories. 

He had done what he had to do. Thanks to him, his mother had the best doctors in the region looking after her now and Yachi was living comfortably. They went on trips, she kept them all well-fed and well-dressed. Kei knew he was distant, but he was kind to her. Yachi was a good person and she seemed happy with him and their adopted son. 

But Kei had never been happy, not since the days before his duties caught up with him. Kei felt like his life was one long chain of regrets along a duty-filled track laid out for him long before he was born.

And then there was Tetsurou. He made every part of Kei feel alive. Tetsurou need only look at him or gently touch his hand, and the blood in his veins felt warmer, the air in his lungs seemed sweeter.

But that chapter in his life had closed. Tetsurou had no right to barge in and open it once again.

Kei swiped at his face, ripping at the tears with his sleeves. He stood up, unsteady and shaking, and yanked open the door. “Where’s the visitor?” He barked, startling his footman.

“I’m not certain, Master Tsukishima. I’m sorry.”

Kei roamed the halls like a madman, asking anyone he came across.

Finally his butler regarded him with pitying eyes. “He’s left, sir. However, all of his belongings are still here, so I presume he will return. Did you not get to see Master Tets--”

“Thank you. That will be all.” Kei interrupted, his tone sharp. 

He skipped dinner that night, claiming he had a headache, and slept alone in the spare bedroom he often used. 

 

***

 

Kei slept fitfully, and by morning he felt worse than he had the night before. The headache he had lied about was now there in earnest.

He stumbled to his bedroom, relieved to find it empty. Yachi must have already begun her day. He looked at her side of the bed, at her books and trinkets, her favorite necklace from her mother by her bedside. Swallowing hard, he turned away and dressed himself. 

As he always did each morning, he walked down the hallway to his mother’s room to check on her, read to her from her favorite book, and make sure she felt presentable enough to be visited by the doctors that day. 

He should’ve walked more slowly. He should’ve been listening instead of being lost in his own thoughts. 

Kei swung open the door to find Tetsurou at his mother’s side, holding her hand, smiling as he spoke with her.

“Kei!” She beamed. “Look who’s returned to us.” The fondness in her voice filled the room. Tetsurou didn’t turn to face him, but Kei watched the side of his face as a warm smile crept across it. 

“I came to see you.” He patted her hand and she used her other hand to wipe away a tear. 

“It’s so wonderful to see you here, all flesh and bone, not just in letters.”

“Letters?” Kei found his voice as he managed to take a few steps into the room, trying to see more of the other man’s face. 

She continued speaking like she hadn’t heard him at all. “Those marvelous letters. I never knew where you’d be.”

Where had he been? Kei had heard nothing from him in years. He could have been dead for all Kei knew. 

Kuroo laughed and the sound made Kei’s heart stop dead in his chest. 

“Well, I’ll be on my way again today, not that I haven’t so enjoyed being in your company once more. It sounds to me like you’re on the way to a full recovery. I’m ever so thankful.”

His voice was smooth and comforting. Kei longed to hear it directed at him, to hear Tetsurou tell him that everything was fine, to have him hold his hand on their walks like he used to. 

“I certainly will now. Seeing you has given me a new breath of life!” She exalted. “The doctors should be along shortly, but please, do stop in again if you can before you leave.”

“I’ll do my best.” For a moment the smile cracked and Kei saw his face grow heavy. 

They bid their farewells and Tetsurou only spared him the shortest of glances as he pushed past him towards the door. 

Faster than his mind could think of anything to say, Kei’s feet propelled him forward. As he caught up with Tetsurou, the only thing he could manage was, “Stop. Please, Tetsurou.”

Tetsurou stopped but took ages to turn around. Kei waited with baited breath for those eyes to be upon him like they used to. 

“It was good to see you Kei. I am glad to find you doing so well.” The eyes that met his were nothing like the ones he once knew. Even with the morning light pouring in through the windows, they were cold and dark. 

“Are you leaving now?” Kei knew he sounded desperate. He didn’t care. Last night he had been ready to scream at Tetsurou for returning and throwing chaos into a place where there had been such a maintainable order, but this morning all he could do was try to hold himself back from embracing Tetsurou and begging him to stay. 

“My carriage leaves soon. I need to be ready. I have to go.”

Kei’s own words from so many years ago hit him hard and left him speechless at Tetsurou turned and walked away. 

Whatever chance there was before, it was truly gone now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY WON'T THEY JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER?
> 
> Oh yea, because it's Angst Week.
> 
> And because they're all Regency Era Repressed and Secretive. *the author stares off into the distance, past the mist above the moor, gently clutching her hand to her chest*


	5. Day 5: Forbidden Love

Tetsurou returned to the university and handed in his resignation, requiring far more distraction than he had previously required to push the memories of Kei from his mind. The time had come to find himself another position aboard a ship and try to lose himself in a seafaring voyage where the backbreaking work and rituals, not to mention the drink, kept his memories at bay. 

He succeeded in finding a ship leaving soon in need of a few more sturdy men. The journey was not nearly long enough for his liking, he’d be back on these shores in a few months, but he was sure he would return with a clear head, ready for the next adventure. 

Yet winter passed and spring arrived, and Tetsurou felt himself no less plagued by nightly dreams of Kei’s eyes, his lips, his hair, his body - how it had grown lean but strong. His imagination was as vivid as it was when they lived under the same roof. 

Time on a voyage was once a friend who had tried to mitigate his wounds, but now it was no longer on his side. Instead of bringing him peace, this time the sea reminded him only that no one was guaranteed more breaths than they had at this very moment. 

Tetsurou knew he had to choose what he wanted to do with his time instead of always running away. 

After all, he already hurt enough. Surely, anything he chose now could not possibly make it any worse. 

 

***

 

When he next stepped into the entryway of his childhood home, the days were warm and welcoming but the mornings were cool and filled with mist. Dew clung to his coat as he climbed the steps to knock on the heavy front doors. He shifted his weight anxiously from one foot to the other as he waited. He was nervous, but the weight on his shoulders was of a different shape than his prior visit last winter. 

The butler greeted him with the same enthusiasm that he had shown before. If he had found Tetsurou’s earlier departure strange, he showed no signs of it as he threw opened the doors and took hold of his things. 

“Would you like to wait in the drawing room until I can find Master Tsukishima and his mother and tell them of your arrival?”

“No thanks, that won’t be necessary.” Tetsurou said, trying to maintain an even tone. “I’d rather like the chance to explore the house again. Where is Kei? I’ll greet him first.”

“In his private study. I take it you remember where that is?” 

“Like the back of my hand.” Tetsurou replied and the butler winked, the same comfortable camaraderie passing between them, no matter how many years had passed. 

On his walk to Kei’s study, Tetsurou took his time. He paused to look at the portraits they had sat for together, as a family, when they were children. He stopped on the stairs and rolled up his sleeves carefully. He fixed his hair once, twice, a third time in the hallway’s grand mirror. 

When he raised his hand to knock on the door, he found it hard to move. Every fiber of his being told him to run, to keep running, but his heart, his spirit, the things that tethered him not to this world but to something greater took hold and made him brave. 

A gruff voiced bid him to enter and he creaked open the door, slipping in through a small opening before shutting it behind him. 

Kei’s head stayed in place, but his eyes glanced up over his glasses, his face painted with tension and frustration. Tetsurou took in every inch of him as Kei’s face ran through so many emotions at once - from annoyance to confusion, from shock to realization. 

He stood up from his chair, his hand knocking over a stack of books and papers. Tetsurou stood still as a stone by the door. He was smiling only because Kei was truly there in front of him. Inside he was still uncertain if he could go through with what he wanted. 

Tetsurou watched as the corners of Kei’s lips twitched upwards and he felt his heart grow warm inside his chest. He opened his mouth to speak but instead, Kei rushed around the edge of his desk and crashed into him, pressing him against the door as he placed two hands along the sides of Tetsurou’s face.

“You’re here.” Was all Kei said before his lips found Tetsurou’s and they finally melted together. Tetsurou wrapped his arms around Kei’s middle and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. 

The room around them disappeared and he gave into sensation as he felt Kei’s muscles through his shirt as he moved against him, listened to the sounds of their ragged breaths, felt the heat of Kei’s mouth as he opened for him and Tetsurou willingly obliged. 

When they broke apart, Tetsurou’s head was spinning. “I love you, Kei.” He whispered into the small space between them. 

“God above, Tetsurou, I love you, too.” Kei replied fiercely.

Their lips found each other again and he felt Kei’s hands wandering. He shuddered as Kei untucked his shirt and slid his hands underneath, muttering praises like sinful prayers into his lips. He returned the favor when he could, unbuttoning Kei’s shirt like he had imagined thousands of times before. He barely had time to enjoy the view of his smooth skin before Kei was guiding him towards a sturdier wall, pausing only to slide a key into the lock behind them. 

Away from listening ears and a potential scandal in the hallway, Kei slotted their hips together, finding new purpose in the movements he had begun against the door. Tetsurou moaned, unable to restrain himself any longer, and Kei gasped as he rubbed against him.

Their kisses grew messier, needier, hungrier. Words could never cover what they needed to say to one another. This was the only way they could make up for lost time and so much left unsaid. 

Kei threaded their fingers together and pinned Tetsurou’s hands to the wall beside his head. Tetsurou moaned again, unable to believe any of this was real and so much better than his dreams. Kei threw back his head and his hips stuttered as he found his release, groaning with Tetsurou’s name on his lips. That sound was enough to send Tetsurou over the edge himself, and he saw white, feeling everything all at once. 

They caught their breaths between kisses, neither one able or willing to break apart. 

“You’re here.” Kei repeated as his soft gaze found Tetsurou’s. 

“I am.”

“And you’ll stay?”

“I will.” Tetsurou punctuated his intentions by capturing Kei in another passionate kiss. 

“Come to my room tonight, after everyone’s gone to bed.” Despite their position, a shyness crept into Kei’s tone. 

Tetsurou cupped his cheek and stroked his thumb over the smooth skin there. “No place I’d rather be.”

“Not the master bedroom, the other one, the one where we,” Kei paused, a grin forming, “used to open the window and throw things into the garden until someone yelled at us.” 

Tetsurou laughed and Kei embraced him, laughing, too. 

For Tetsurou, that was the most beautiful sound ever created.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEA! If you want a happy ending, you can totally stop here.
> 
> If you're brave you can read the FIRST HALF of chapter 6 tomorrow and THEN stop and still get a happy ending.
> 
> If you want to walk with me into the depths, I beckon you with an icy hand and bid you welcome to the last two chapters for this week.


	6. Day 6: Injury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tetsurou POV/Kei POV in one chapter
> 
> Tetsurou lives on the estate property and they settle into what life could look for them now, until...

_Tetsurou_

Gone were the days of swinging from the mast of a ship off the coast of Africa or lying his way into a job in Prussia. Tetsurou’s new adventure took the shape of the smaller, but still stately, guest house on the estate property. There he tended the gardens and worked in town with the farmers for the estate. All day he would help them take care of their horses or fix a weak beam in their roof, all with cheer and a winning grin. 

He didn’t seek the adventure anymore because he didn’t need to hide. He had everything he wanted. 

Each day he would work hard, clean himself up, and take a walk on the grounds with Kei before dinner. They would usually end up along the little brook where they always played and sometimes they’d linger along the edge of the forest before darting in to ensure some time alone. 

“Whatever happened to all of those bugs we caught and identified?” Tetsurou asked on one of those walks, tossing a pebble into the slowly running water. 

“Believe it or not, I still have most of them. We pinned them surprisingly well and, naturally, I preserved them correctly. The labels are a bit worn-looking, but they’re on display in my study. We can take a look at them when we get back to the house.”

“I have a secret.” He pauses, looking sly. “I didn’t care about bugs. Back then I’d take any excuse to be close to you.” Tetsurou admitted. 

Kei looked at him, a slight blush forming across the bridge of his nose. 

Enjoying the reaction, Tetsurou continued. “I didn’t even care about bugs. I just wanted to sit next to you as you ran your fingers over the pages of those big books looking for the latin name of every little thing.”

“What a clever ruse.” Kei raised an eyebrow. 

“Well, you know me.” Tetsurou smirked. 

“I do.” Kei replied quickly, then he repeated himself more thoughtfully. “I do.” Tetsurou watched as Kei was clearly mulling something over in his mind. He wondered if Kei knew about the way he would knit his brows and gently bite the tip of his tongue while he was thinking. “Is that really when you first loved me?”

The sincerity of the question took Tetsurou by surprise. Along with the soft look on Kei’s face as he gazed over at him, he had trouble finding words. “I think -” he began, but paused, still searching for what to say. “I think so. I think I always did, I always loved you. I just didn’t know the name for it at first.”

Kei hummed, stepping to the side to take Tetsurou’s hand into his. He felt warm from their walk in the sunshine. 

In that moment, Tetsurou could stand along the banks of that brook, exactly like that, for all of eternity, but dinner was soon and there were still duties to attend to, appearances to maintain, secrets to keep. 

Kei took his dinner each evening with his family, playing the proper role of the estate-running head of the household, but every single night, whether in the throes of passion or in a soft embrace, they belonged to each other. 

Tetsurou was so glad they finally belonged to each other. 

 

***

 

_Kei_

Kei and Tetsurou did a fine job of making sure they were discreet. So, naturally almost everyone on the estate knew about it. They never said a word, but he could tell from the glances. He was a good-natured employer, however, so he trusted that the staff wouldn’t gossip in town. While he was far from the friendliest person, he was fair and let the staff do what they thought was best without inferring. 

With Yachi things were harder to navigate, but fine. From the beginning they had always been amicable, but never in love. Kei respected her as a determined, hard-working friend, but at best they were a pair of business partners. But she still knew him, and though they never spoke about it, like Kei never spoke of her dalliances, it was clear she knew from the moment Tetsurou returned to stay. 

He was glad little changed between them. Kei still cared for their son when he wasn’t with the nanny or his governess and he took his meals with his family. If anything he may have been a bit brighter, less sullen, because he was happy.

Nothing was perfect, he never expected it to be, but he was content because Tetsurou was here and he was his. 

“Did anyone see you?” He would whisper into the darkness as he pulled Tetsurou into his room, already laughing. It didn’t matter how many times that soft knock came at his door. Every night Kei could barely suppress the giddy feelings that arose. They had already wasted so much time, why waste anymore on decorum now? 

Tetsurou certainly obliged and had, apparently, learned many useful skills during his time abroad. Kei was thankful they only shared a wall with his private study. 

As enjoyable as the nights were, he still looked forward to their early evening walks the most. Tetsurou would be warm from the sun, his skin growing more bronze from his work outdoors as the days grew more like summer. 

“Hard day today?” Kei asked one evening when Tetsurou slipped his head onto his shoulder as they sat along the bank of the brook, his eyelids growing heavy.

He felt Tetsurou nod. Kei laced their fingers together between them as Tetsurou replied. “Mr. Ukai’s new stallion is a wild one. It bucked us both off while we tried our best to reign him in some today. I took a hard knock to the side and there’s a fierce pain in my head, but I’ve had worse.” He chuckled softly. “Just be easy with me tonight.”

Kei kissed the top of his head and held his hand tight, knowing that he would be gentle with Tetsurou’s heart for as long as he was able, so treasured was the man next to him. 

When they walked back to the house, Tetsurou stumbled and Kei caught him. He laughed it off, saying he was embarrassed that a horse had managed to hurt him, but Kei held onto him around the waist as they made the journey back to Tetsurou’s house. 

He’d grown so heavy in Kei’s arms that by the time they crossed the threshold, Kei was carrying him as best he could, so worried now that his heartbeat was thunder in his ears. 

Kei set Tetsurou down on his bed and called the doctor in town and told him to come immediately. 

As the minutes agonizingly crept past, Kei held his hand and stroked his arm, peppered his forehead with gentle kisses, saying every sweet thing his heart thought to say until his words became a mantra, a prayer to some god with closed ears -

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, Tetsurou.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugggggh this is when it got so much more difficult to write. The whole time before this I was just typing away, imaging myself as some modern Bronte sister with all this sadness and whatever, and then, and then the time came for the end of the story to begin.


	7. Day 7: Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've read this far, you know what you're in for.

When Kei’s father and brother passed, Tetsurou had stood beside him at the funeral as they laid them to rest. That day and in the days that followed, Tetsurou never left his side, always checking on him, always making sure he was never alone. 

Now Kei was truly alone. 

Tetsurou was buried in the family plot, right next to Kei’s father and brother. Kei wouldn’t have accepted anywhere else. 

By the time the doctor arrived, there was nothing they could do. There was too much internal bleeding. 

The doctors had said more, had explained the condition, and so had his mother, but for days the only thing Kei could hear was a high-pitched ringing in his ears. People spoke to him, gave him their condolences for losing such a close friend, but all he could do in response was stare at them, wide-eyed and wild. Did they not understand that he couldn’t hear them? 

When the ringing his ears faded, so did he. 

Kei sat along the edge of brook where he’d been for hours now. It was growing darker, and he’d certainly missed dinner. Somewhere in his mind he knew the forces that made him wake each morning, take steps, draw breaths, run the estate, and be a part of his family would propel his feet back towards that house against his will soon enough. 

The only respite came at night. There in his bed, where Tetsurou had been no so many nights ago, he’d dream of him - vivid, tactile dreams that left Kei gasping for breath when he jolted awake in the middle of the night, grasping for the body beside him that was no longer there. 

Even awake, he could close his eyes and feel his kisses along his jaw and hear his honeyed voice in his ear. Kei was alive, he took breaths and existed in this realm, but he had one foot through the door, his arms always reaching out and ready to be caught by the one person who had truly understood him, loved him.

Kei stared into the brook and imagined walking the length of it. The water would barely reach up past his ankles as he walked through the grounds where they had played and fallen in love. It would grow deeper in town, where peering eyes would wonder why their proprietor was knee-deep in the river that ran through town. Farther and farther he would wade, letting the waters take his waist, his chest, his arms, his whole body as he walked out into the sea some hundreds of miles away. With a heart like lead, he’d be sure to sink. He’d watch the bubbles of his last breaths rise above him until a perfect silence came. 

And there he’d be, because even when he was gone, Tetsurou never really left him. 

Kei was his forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THEN KEI DIES AND THEY ARE BOTH REINCARNATED IN MODERN-DAY JAPAN WHERE THEY PLAY VOLLEYBALL ON RIVAL TEAMS AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND FINE BECAUSE THEY GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE AND GET AN APARTMENT TOGETHER AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER. 
> 
> Thank you so, so much for reading this and sticking with me until the end! I hope you... enjoyed (?) it. If you're anything like me, then that indescribable emotion where things are so utterly sad but also so beautiful just grips you. I really tried to channel that here, but it's out of my normal writing so it really pushed me. I hope you liked the final product! 
> 
> And thank you to the creators of krtsk angst week for giving me this sad little wonderful plot bunny to run with!

**Author's Note:**

> This all began with my idea for the Day 7 prompt - Death. I knew that I wanted to do some Regency Era, secret love affair sort of thing, but all of the pieces didn't come into place until I was listening to far too much Florence + the Machine and the song "Blinding" came on. I was driving home and was just like, "oh my god, this is it. This is the whole fic. All seven days."
> 
> From there I wrote like a madwoman, completing this in three days. The last two chapters were the toughest to write, and took a little longer, but I so enjoyed writing this - in that weird "I love writing angst" sort of way.
> 
> [Chat with me on twitter @HeyMellieJellie](https://www.twitter.com/heymelliejellie)


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